to follow up my last post...

I cannot go on The Pill as a GP (i was made to see a lady GP by my male GP) says that you cannot go ON The Pill with irregular periods and i now have to go see what feels like, my 500th Gynaecologist... and while all this was going on, the Specialist at the fertility clinic sent my GP a letter saying he thinks i should go on The Pill

*head hits desk*

The Pill

I have been getting ever increasingly bad periods since late last year, they were amazingly fine after i had our miscarriage.

I saw the specialist gynae at the ivf clinic last week and he said that the only thing i could do to sort out my haywire periods and the abdominal ovulation pain is to put me on the pill or to do the ivf. Well we cannot do the ivf right now due to other factors in place so my umm-ing and ahh-ing over The Pill has been decided with week by an absolute BASTARD of a period. I want to retire to bed with a heated sheet wrapped round me and 4 dozen glazed ring donuts from Krispy Kreme and a few packs of painkillers. I look about 6 months pregnant with swelling and am wearing the baggiest top i own and am in maternity pants. My hormones are causing swollen infected cysts under my skin on my face instead of the odd spot and i'm on my second lot of antibiotics to clear the infection and retire the swelling. I'm also growing a beard.

Being female is THE WORST.

All but one

Everyone else seems to be having babies.

Or another baby.

Or posting pictures of their children.

All but me. Us. And it's breaking me. It really is.

Every period is a stark reminder of the baby we lost and the lack of one growing again inside me. I never want another period again. Thoughts of a hysterectomy are not uncommon in my head.

If i managed to go a shift without a pregnant customer or at least 5 kids i would die of shock. And if i'm home i know i won't miss the woman ignoring her screaming newborn walking past everyday on her route.

To G "i need to go attack the attic, I might take my Lego down too" goes upstairs with iPod. puts iPod down, has wee, collects washing, takes washing to basement, hmm, might makes a sandwich, ooh a magazine I was meant to look through, reads magazine, sees phone, plays game on phone, checks Facebook, ooh washing! goes to basement, annoyed G "thought you were off to attic?" takes beef from fridges, puts washing in, annoys G, hangs washing out, takes beef upstairs, picks up phone, makes sandwich, eats sandwich in front of computer, ends up on Facebook. MY LIFE AS A GOLDFISH

Mother's Day, or the lack thereof.

If all had gone to plan, biologically, today would have been my first Mother's Day.
Today all i want to do is cry when another one of my friends posts a photo with their new baby on their Mother's Day. I feel dead viewing all the other Mother's Day tags and greetings.
Last week passed with my Due Date in it. We had a very depressing day last Thursday, March 5th 2015.
Is this the year of grieving? Or am i depressed? Is it the Tamoxifen I'm on to help me get pregnant again making me crazy?

My (private) GP discovered last month after i went to him feeling like shit, that i have virtually no Vitamin D. He said they're discovering new things about VitD all the time, that they still don't know 100% what it does. After a bit of digging about online i discovered its pretty damn hard to get pregnant or stay pregnant without it. Has this been it all along? Was i fine before or low? Was it that i got pregnant in Summer when the sun was shining and my levels perked up enough to conceive and then the baby took all that i had? Or did the miscarriage just wipe me out of it? So many questions i could drive myself mad over. Why hadn't the fertility unit or my (NHS) GP noticed this drop in VitD when i went to him feeling shit? Would the midwife had known if they had managed to get blood out of me at my first check, had they actually sent a proper midwife and not a sole student on her own that couldn't get a drop of red every time she stabbed my arm?

update

• I am sad.
• I am tired.
• I cant bring myself to write paragraphs because I seem to have some sort of bug. All I want to do is sleep. Am I successful? No. My neighbourhood is too noisy and I need to pee all the time.
• Periods post miscarriage? ARE A BITCH. No control. Just dreadful.
• Went to London on my own over night. Saw lots of awesomeness. Loved it. Walked 18.5 miles in 2 days.
• I've gone off reading.
• Work is mental. We're slammed most of the time so I constantly feel like i'm chasing my tail.
• I'm addicted to Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. LOVE IT.
• I still really, really want to shave my head. I hate my hair most of the time every day and have done for about 6 months now.
• I'm 30 soon.
• Looking forward to going on holiday.
• Taking our house off the market on Nov 30. Pointless.
• We lost our baby 10 weeks ago. I would have been 19 weeks pregnant today.

I am, quite obviously, rubbish at blogging.

I haven't done a blog post for quite some time. My apologies. I know you read this a lot, but i will try to post more.

This year i have been on a metaphorical rollercoaster. In order of events:-

• Our beautiful house has been on the market since last autumn. It has not sold. We even changed vendors. Hubster hates this house. I like parts of this house. The schools are not great however and its the wrong layout. And we have a really nice neighbour 2 doors away.
• Take up running. Love it.
• Shop i work in has to close due to landlords refusing to renew lease. Redundancies happen and another girl and myself transfer stores.
• We got to the start of IVF. Finally we got to the point where i could start those evil injections and the egg collection would be underway.
• Super Hot Heat Wave
• We couldn't go ahead with the IVF. The week before they were due to start we found out i was pregnant!
• Give Up running for time being.
• Got a stomach bug.
• Saw Wicked the musical in Leeds.
• Got Food Poisoning from bad sushi after going emergency bra shopping.
• 'Baby' gives me hatred of Pineapple. Hubs has to hide cans from cupboards.
• Lost 16lbs
• Told by doctors my wisdom teeth have to come out as they're growing into my skull. Ow.
• Get New Car. Its lovely. Cry entire way to garage to swap my old Polo out.
• Met Felicia in person!
• Loose Baby. 8 weeks 5 days. Devastating.
• Get new boiler to replace one we've fought with for 5 years.

i am rubbish

the whole nhs fertility stuff not getting underway has knocked me for 6 on the blogging I think and i've been ill with one thing after another...

today is going okay I guess, i'm getting over what I think is gastric flu as Iz has had it and ive now given it my mother (and probably everyone at work) though ive just managed to drink a BLACK TEA drink with barley malt in it. why the fuck it has barley malt in is a mystery.

I hate everything and everyone and I am eating for England at the moment. ugh. hate.

The Bookstore

I laugh when people are all "omg i'm gonna meet the man of my dreams in a bookstore" or "I'm off to the bookstore to get a date" especially in movies and tv shows.

It's just struck me that's where I met my husband.

Fantastically told story, well worth a watch

http://www.upworthy.com/a-16-year-old-girl-with-nowhere-else-to-turn-trusted-them-but-they-had-their-own-agenda?c=ufb2

Cake

I am Gluten and Dairy intolerant. It sucks.

This Christmas though I found a small delight in Sainsbury's Free From range, which was a nice surprise as i'm usually not that pleased with them. They produced Chocolate Christmas Log. Five slices of sweet heaven. I'm guessing they won't be continuing them throughout the year...

My other cake-staple is Hale & Hearty Chocolate Brownie Mix which is awesome for brownies, obvs, but if you buy their super boxes then there is a recipe on the back for Chocolate Muffins. They are amazing. I add Chia Sees to the Brownies (and sometimes Nuts or Marshmallows) and sometimes chilli flakes to the muffins. AWESOME.

But the best?

Incognito Cakes' White Chocolate and Raspberry Muffins. TO DIE FOR. Seriously.
firstly each one is HUGE. bigger than my fist, sprinkled in brown sugar and full of chunks of white choc, and raspberries. AMAZING. Their Carrot Cake is also amazing, but hard to eat on my own... when i went down to Derbyshire and popped in to see them and pick up an order I was presented with testers and I also received some samples for their new mixes and they were also amazing. The only thing that makes them expensive is the postage. And another thing? They're really lovely people :)

growing up

Being a grown up is weird.

It is, I still feel like I have no clue what's going on, and yet people my age and a lot younger all around the world either have multiple kids and do a great job (some don't!) and some are in high flying careers and control a great deal.

I, don't. I'm not responsible for anything major. I have keys to the shop I work in, but so do 5 other people. I'm responsible for a car and a house, but my parents and husband play a really big roll in my life and I don't have to fight for my survival.

I do have some wonderful friends though. Some abroad (hey, Heide!) and a lot close by... and they're all amazing. I didn't think I'd ever be friends with a Doctor, but I am, she's a proper superwoman, she doesn't realise how brilliant she is. An Entrepreneur, who when made redundant because she had a baby on the way, decided to start her own fab business so she could still spend time with her baby! Wonderful. I'm friends with the lovely founder of the WI I'm a member of. R is a force to be reckoned with if she wants something! A younger friend is training to be a veterinary nurse after just setting off around half the world for 6 months after working multiple jobs like a demon to pay for it! I have friends who are trained as teachers, friends that have that travel bug and jet off to some wonderful destinations (F got kicked out of Fiji!)

I have other great friends, with other great points, I cant obviously list them all, I'd be here all day.

And i'm totally boring. I have no skill set or bonus points.

it's my birthday :)

29 today

IVF and RA

I am so sorry I 've been away for so long.

(apart from that little mad West Wing post- if you haven't watched it YOU MUST)

I really, really am. I've missed my little therapy sessions telling you my worries and stresses and all the good shit that goes along too.

As the post title suggests- IVF is on the cards. Boy is it on the cards.

We went to a lecture last night. The Calderdale hospital lecture theatre was FULL. I didn't realise so many people would also be about to go through this. It's a scary process, including 4 weeks of injections (but being the first person to ask a question last night and it being about the needles and our specialist explaining everything so well, I am a little less scared of them now. A little. A tiny bit less. Being neeedlephobic SUCKS. But I HAVE to cope. Else we don't get a baby.)

My employers have been good. Days off for hospital appointments as requested, not just for me and the hubs for the IVF stuff, but for the hubs and his recent diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. quite bad RA tbh.

My birthday is looming. In my Grand Plan I always imagined I would have 2 kids by the age of 30 and another 2 shortly after, but i'm 29 in 4 days and if the first cycle of IVF works I could end up with a really large belly cooking a baby for my 30th birthday. I really, really hope that happens. Keep your fingers crossed for me? Please?