Long time

hey guys, i have been rubbish at blog posting this 2012, I've had problems at work, I'm exhausted and I'm still not pregnant, but obviously that's not stopping everyone else around me being? ALOT of customers at work, and people in the street and now a colleague at works wife has fallen pregnant.
I know how Addison felt in Grey's Anatomy when she said she felt she was being stalked by pregnant women. and I'm not an obstetrician. but i do feel like they're stalking me.

is it too much to ask that, after 3 years, 10 months and 2 weeks of trying, i could possibly just get pregnant?

the hubsters sperm results should have arrived in the post last week. needless to say they haven't. which is why I'm with private healthcare. we'd have them back in a couple of days. and whats more, I'm going to have to go see an nhs doctor to be able to be referred to a specialist that does both nhs and private. private would cost too much so we have to go down the other route. I've not seen an nhs gp for over 20 years. mum transferred me out after our family gp refused to take out my tonsils. turns out i was majorly ill and when mum took me to see dads work private gp, he had them out within a week. lets see if times have changed.

my husband does not want to adopt. and id rather have his sperm than someone Else's, and i don't much think that he would be happy with someone Else's sperm and id really really love to be pregnant. just once. hopefully more times. i really want to be a mother. i don't know where we go from here.

hopefully blogging will become easier tho, as i finally, after 2 years of dealing with a broken laptop, have a brand spanking new desktop, and its awesome. and has windows 7 and is ultra fast compared to my laptop. which has seen better days, but i somehow still need to get all my shit off!

I'm off to Nice in France in a couple of weeks with Izzy and Fran. that should be interesting. I'm going to freak out. i don't work well in a 3 as I'm usually the odd one out.
we're self catering and the lady that has the apartment speaks not a word of English.
in a European City. a really really popular European City. how that's possible in this day and age is a mystery. i don't even know how to ask her for towels.
and eating is going to be a challenge. no lactose, no dairy, no gluten, wheat, rye, barley, oats, kiwi, mushrooms, lamb, aubergine... the list is endless...

its also proved pretty impossible to get to southern France. why? well no one flies there, so we three are going to be spending just short of 6 hours in Zurich Aeroport. lets hope its a damn fine airport and i can get some good grub and have some decent shopping!

in other news, despite eating the same, if not healthier, I'm gaining weight and my facial skin is disgusting. I'm covered in nasty acne. the time that makes you not want to look at the persons face. i do not feel attractive right now. and i went swimming with RedRiv and not have magenta hair roots for an inch or so, then orange/light blonde/pale pink for the rest with dirty blonde roots. it was very faded before but... oops?

Summer here has not been summer, its gone right from Spring to Autumn with some epic Winter thrown in every couple of weeks. i mean, really, wtf.

Hey! long time no blog, im sorry! i hope you havent forgotten about me...?

after the nasty virus computer i have spent less and less time on here. ive deleted loads of stuff off of facebook, and people off there and off twitter and alsorts, im having a bit of a clear out (tho i really need to crack on with my house)

also trying to plan the wedding (so over this, its boring and annoying and i just want to be married AND WHY CANT PEOPLE RSVP?!?!)

and breathe...

so im on holiday this week and trying to get as much sorted as possible. and my hair. my hair. my hair is AWFUL. my roots are fierce and the rest of my hair is YELLOW and GINGER.

and theres nothing i can do. it needs to rest before the wedding. it has GROWN tho. omg has it grown. this past month it must have done an inch, its suddenly past my shoulders. its brilliant!

i had gotten really disenchanted with my dress. when we went for izzy to have her dress fitting, i tried it on again, i like it better once more. ive been having really bad dreams about it being wrong on the day and stressing and such. i cant see the end result. this isnt a room im decorating slowly, or a book display i can swap about, this is a wedding dress and mine hasnt arrived yet, im still only trying on the store copy which is at least a foot too long for me (cos im ickle, obvs) and a touch too tight (cos im a fat bastard) and its currently just wrong. the lady in the shop said this is common, because its out of my control and its not something i can just take home and play with, i just have to wait.

the florist has gone awol. we have heard nothing. i want my quote else i really need to find someone else (if he fails me im just gonna call David Austin Roses in the Midlands for some bits)
and make up? the girl who has been recommended is someone i used to work with in my previous life. she is saccharine sweet and she may be amazeballs but i dont think i want her doing my make up. it wouldn't feel right, so i have called some other people, and only one person has got back to me, i like her but theres not much to see of her work. im waiting to see about the others calling me back atm before i say a definite yes.

im drinking lots today also, for some reason im majorly thirsty, my period has kicked in so i feel shitty. ugh. but so far the week has been good more or less. im going to clear some shit of my hard drive and then go to bed and look at what we cant afford for our honeymoon...

sooooooooooooooooooooooo siiick

apparently i hadnt pissed off the boyf. he thought i was ill and was leaving me alone

its been a busy few days. a stint in a&e with my mum, the boyf's 40th birthday, mums 53rd birthday, 2 trips to mum and dads house (i got to see my dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and work and alsorts of everything else!


i have new bedding on my bed and it looks fab and i dont hate it as was possible to. it is a vile horrible quilt cover and i LOVE IT :)

today

i am shattered. last night i couldn't sleep, i stayed up til after midnight so i could drink water til midnight.

i woke at 4.55 and got out of bed at 5.45 because my period had been so horrific it was sending cramp down my legs, i had a shower, packed some (completely unnecessary) stuff together (would have been useful had i needed to stay in hospital)

the boyf drove us there and i was admitted, told i was for first surgery, changed and waited. and waited. and waited. i was taken to theatre at 8.45 and brought back just after 10. it was a 2 min walk to theatre and i was out within another 2. when i came round i was being pinned to the bed, thrashing and screaming and told off for not calming down. (i have anaesthesia reactions) i was finally taken upstairs again. i tried to sleep but they wouldn't leave me be, can we bring her food, can she drink, will you get her to drink, food? water? wee? it went on forever, my BP was very low and they had to lower my head. the boyf dutifully tried to get the water down me but it tasted like hospital. i wee'd 4 times before the nurse came to check if i needed a wee. i have a tiny bladder, what can i do?
they fed me a baked potato and salad, which was actually one of the west baked potatoes ive EVER had. seriously.

all in all it was okay. no hysterics going into surgery like last time, just a few years and i gripped the nurses hand (probably a bit too much)

the hysteroscopy and colposcopy went well apparently and tissue samples have been taken and sent off for testing, he didnt have anything else to do while he was in there, it was all very straightforward and he didnt have to do anything laparoscopic. (yay)

so i slept most of the journey home, and then for 6 hours one i got here. ive eaten and am now about to go to sleep once more, work tomorrow!

the ultrasound was clear and i now need the surgery to find out whats going on inside thats causing so much drama but isnt showing up. the ultrasound didnt show up jack tho- proof is that i have a cyst on an ovary and it couldnt find it- how they get pics of babies from them is beyond me!!!


im now on holiday for an entire week but it will be far from relaxing, i have like, 40 mags to read thru as i havent had time in the past two months to get thru them, i need to clean the house i need to go to brighouse to see emma about my blinds for my house, i need to computer shop, shopping with izzy, id like to see georgi- georgi are you paying attention? i have a ludicrous amount of washing to do due to my lights being off downstairs, but now dad has piggybacked that circuit onto another so all is well lit again! id really like to go to manchester, im going to harass my parents, i want to go to ikea and might be able to take a friend with me also cos i know she needs to go to get some stuff for her kitchen, i need to go thru my attic, ive turned it into a tip. winter and summer clothes need swapping over also.
i need to go to the farm and to see my family at some point!

sigh. no rest for the wicked

so the appointment at the specialists was interesting.

ive had a blood test today, i have to have an ultrasound on Thursday to see if anything abnormal shows up since the MRI i had last January. then in the next few week im having investigative surgery so see whats up in there!

*supposed to be posted on the 17th but my net wouldnt work*


i must be due on my period because ive been a complete psycho today, shouting, screaming, upset, panicking, you name an emotion linked to psycho and that was me today. the boyf asked me 'whats for tea' and got a right earache.

off to see a specialist tomorrow to go about having some important tests done. have been waiting for this appointment for months! i have a feeling this is gonna all end in surgery and childlessness :(

ugh

i am ILL 

and i dont like it

i should be at Alton Towers. 

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

thats it, im sick of my skin!

i look DISGUSTING. ive bought a tube of Bepanthen and im gonna put it on my face. its worked for my mates dodgy belly piercing and it WILL work for my gross as hell skin

my periods being perfectly mean have brought back the realization that i may never have kids.

what if that operation, the gynae did something that made me infertile, or what ive that pelvic floor infection i had that landed me in hospital rendered me sterile? or what if the boyfs diabetes has somehow made him sterile, or he has slow swimmers from his age? or him being really really hot all the time has killed them all off?
all ive ever wanted it babies. is it too much to ask that i be able to have one? and i want to be a young mum, not some old, set in her ways one, wearing beige with my wrinkles and my kids in disgusting 'old' clothes having no fun.

also no letter from the gynae professor yet. mum asked if id heard anything the other day. and i haven't. they're so slow at these things. i know its unrealistic that i get pregnant with 9 months to go til i get married but i want to get the ball rolling, have all the tests, find out what is so bloody wrong with my internal lady bits that we can get pregnant as soon as the wedding is gone and get on with our family.

none of my cousins have ever had any trouble. my cousins wife came off her contraception and was pregnant within months, without even trying, she told me that herself. ive never asked my others how soon they wanted to try but from an outsiders point of view there never seemed to be any bother.

mum and dad took years to have me. lots of doctors and trying.


surrogacy, IVF and private adoption are all extremely expensive and something we dont, and probably wont ever have the money for. prof o'd is expensive enough and paying hundreds every time i see him is not something i really want, but it is the cheaper option, and it is something i need looking into, and he is very good at his job. apparently.

all ive wanted to do this weekend is curl up and die.

my period has been trying to kill me.

i am not a happy freaking bunny.

today

all i want to do is cry.

my assistant manageress has been a nightmare

it was kristiana's last day

i ache

ive had a splitting headache

and the boyf was in a horrific mood at work and snapped at me more than once, so i snapped back.

and i dont want anyone to talk i just want to ignore the world

and to go to argento's steakhouse

er

i still have the raspy pathetic voice with a horrid cough and feel like crap. i think this is a chest infetcion working its way out maybe? the pharmacist said she couldnt give me owt and to go to my doctor on monday. how exactly am i meant to call up for an appointment?

lots and lots of things

-i set fire to popcorn in the microwave at work

-all the smoke has given me a horrid cough and taken my voice, at best i rasp and talk in a hoarse spluttering manner

-ive got the boyf addicted to greys

-ive been to 2 garden centres today and bought loads of things; ceramic planters, herbs, spring plants, food, pretty beach themed things for the bedroom

-lisa and i went to ikea where i bought more things; a lamp, a desk, a shelf, a picture frame, some tupperware, a jug, a toy for my cousins baby, and... er... a chair! um... i also scouted for all the other things we need, its taken forever to get this much- when my front bedroom/my office is finished at least i can get my desk in there...

-so lots of painting has to be finished this week!

-mum has orgnised for my fridge-freezer from my old house and all my books to be delivered this week also

-i planted up some stuff from the first garden centre this morning and tomorrow i plan to finish some more!

-i have 6 loads of laundry to do. ugh, it never seems to go down, we'll have to see how much i manage tomorrow

-im getting used to my Blackberry

erm...?

not much to say really, but Felicia has requested i blog... :P

er, Friday to Tuesday i was pretty much just in bed (or the bathroom) with this stomach bug (so much like salmonella!) the boyf wouldnt let me come downstairs til Monday afternoon! (apart from when Glyn took me to my parents for sunday tea- wasnt a good idea, i seemed to get motion sickness in the car)
Tuesday we had a little trip to Tesco's where i kept loosing balance and was sooooo tired! Wednesday we went to dinner 'cos i had no energy to cook, three hours after we got back i spent most of my night in the bathroom... ugh! Thursday i drove to my parents and they were off to the garden centre at Shelley, so i went too (and was bought lots of things) then Friday morning, tho id had nasty tummy pains, i got dressed and walked to work! my knee is killing me also, and halfway my legs turned to jelly and i wished id driven but i got there, sat down for half an hour then started my shift- which seemed really really really f'ing long...

last night i got an early night as yet again my laptop packed up and died so i had a bath, read a bit and was in bed at half 9, i woke up at 5.30, went back to sleep and got up at half 8! Royal Mail say they tried to deliever us a parcel but we heard no knocking, banging or the doorbell, so we think they lied. now we have to go fetch the parcel from town. on Monday. fuckers. i needed them today.

well anyway, this morning we called in at the florist and i picked up from baby daffs/narcissus up for mum for mothers day seeing as i wont see her- then we went ot our wedding venue and paid our £500 deposit (!!!) we walked round the grounds of the hotel and i took a few pics. then we called in at my parents house, we played with the dogs, watched her make an egg custard and then went to my farm to get some meat from the butchers, so 2 sirloin steaks, a half dozen cumberland sausages, some dripping, a scotch egg, a cornish pasty, a steak and guinness pasty, a pork pie and a steak pie we went and called on my grandad. now were in the lounge watching live rugby on tv... im about to go and do some washing then i might go tidy the front bedroom. or make our tea... we were meant to go to a shopping mall today but my knee hurting and the boyfs ankle hurting, we cant drive much

so thats this week. erm... work tomorrow... x

p.s. its been sunny today, sunny and cold

pps. ive read so so so many books since i started my holiday 2 weeks ago, especially when ive been ill this past week.

:)

my lover just ran me a bath, washed my hair, dressed me and put me back to bed

sick pt.2

ok so vomiting last night trapped a nerve, slipped a disc. something in my back, just under my ribs. how do i know this? well ive had severe cramp running a network down to my ankles ever since. it became noticable about, ooh 14/15 hours ago now. just finally taken some ibruprofen+codeine after eating a litte cereal the boyf brought me. hopefully my tummy can hack it and it'll work :)

i kept having to get up for the bathroom all night. no idea what the hell has gone wrong in my body!

poor poor boyf, i dont think hes had to look after anyone before :(

sick

quite literally, i felt sick this morning, ate some strawberries, felt better, then sick again, then mum and dad and grandad came over and mum upset me, by the time they left i felt mega sick again... it got worse, i thought i havent eaten, ill have a sandwich it might calm my tummy, by the time glyn came home 1 and a half hours later, i was running a bath, after bath i layed on my bed, feeling so dizzy, glyn had to dress me and put me to bed, and hour later, my stomach sent me to the toilet, half an hour after that i was in bed vomiting into a bucket, non stop for 5 mins, my sandwich wasnt digested very well, and now ive been to the loo again and also want to vom, am trying to drink water to re hyrate myself but ugh, so so so so nauseaus if im not better by morning im calling the doctor out, i cant handle this. i want to cry

i can never come up with a title...

firstly, thankyou to day old news
and Felicia for your sweet, supportive and encouraging comments, you made me smile :)

secondly, its 9am and im in the lounge listening to FLorence & The Machine :)

thirdly, :( i spent 3.5 hours in A&E last night, to be told they didnt know what was wrong, i went in due to thinking id cracked a rib and i wanted an x-ray and its the weekend so i didnt want to disturb my GP, as he lives in bradford and i would have had to drive over there... so we went in, it was dead, i got seen within 15 mins, had a angiogram (clear), was left alone for 45 mins in a cubicle while the boy was out in the waiting room alone, then a useless doctor came in to see me, was more intersted in a book he'd bought at Waterstone's (where i work), i had a physical, bloods taken (ew ew ew i have a hole in my arm and i can STILL FEEL IT) was finally sent for an x-ray (was wheeled round in a chair- for health and saftey incase i collapsed apparently- yet had to walk back to the cubicle on my own...), even tho crap doctor was very intersted in the dry skin on my hands, got sent back from the cubical from xray, a nurse realised we'd appeared, was left alone again, the nice nurse that took my bloods came back with medication, made me sign for it, then after i requested, she went to find out why i was being given meds seeing as my bloods and x-rays werent back yet... i was told they were anti-inflamatorys, and i had to take them with food 3 times a day, i looked at the ingredients, they had lactose, in, so i went to the cubicle edge and told the doctor, we had the screen shut after that (i guess you have to stay in the bed) the doctor then told me i had to take them, i was like, er, no, im not being ill for weeks cos of them, he was like, er, well i cant give you anything else cos they all have codeine (itchy) in and i havent the knowledge to think of anything else (well he didnt say that) and he ran off (probably to consult his BNF)...
finally they came to tell us i could leave- at that point i had to ask what was wrong, the doctor said there was nothing broken, and nothing showed up on my x-ray, my heart was fine, my bloods were clear and i could leave and he'd send a nurse to take my tags off (they'd asked me my name and DOB no less than 25 times, so why they gave me a tag im clueless) so when the nurse came back we were like, well he said this, but he never said why i was in pain, do you know? so finally we got that they think ive pulled the muscles at the top of my right rib and my sternum probably from lifting something awkwardly when im packing up books to return to sender at work. and he said i should take ibriprofen and see if it goes away, any problems and i should see my GP.
the pain has not gone, or eased with anti-inflams for the record. pfft, bloody NHS.

right wedding. there is a wedding fayre in town today, and i want to go, but glyn wont come wwith me, i just want... inspiration! i had my heart set on a black of midnight blue dress, but ive tried on slate grey and ive tried on ivory (both gorgeous) ive been reinforced that i look horrid in white and pink and red (my complexion is annoying but theres no way im getting a fake tan, its not me, so why would i want a wedding photo that looks like someone else? i dont know about bouquets (but then what would i do with my hands?) so maybe some baby roses and sparkles...? i know i dont want an overly fussy dress, im supposed to be the attraction, right, not the dress, and they over decorated ones ive tried on looked shite, where the plainer ones were pretty. i got a brochure thru for a wedding venue in the post (im ignoring the ones sending me e-brochures- really, what is the point, i want to look thru, not click next onto another photo), ive already asked my cousin and his wife if their son Arturo can be our ring bearer (hes SO CUTE!), Cerys and BF are to be my mini bridesmaids, but im not having any big bridesmaids so that could all go tits up as i dont think 2 children under 5 can stand all serene infront of a room full of people... i need a wedding planner...