Long time

hey guys, i have been rubbish at blog posting this 2012, I've had problems at work, I'm exhausted and I'm still not pregnant, but obviously that's not stopping everyone else around me being? ALOT of customers at work, and people in the street and now a colleague at works wife has fallen pregnant.
I know how Addison felt in Grey's Anatomy when she said she felt she was being stalked by pregnant women. and I'm not an obstetrician. but i do feel like they're stalking me.

is it too much to ask that, after 3 years, 10 months and 2 weeks of trying, i could possibly just get pregnant?

the hubsters sperm results should have arrived in the post last week. needless to say they haven't. which is why I'm with private healthcare. we'd have them back in a couple of days. and whats more, I'm going to have to go see an nhs doctor to be able to be referred to a specialist that does both nhs and private. private would cost too much so we have to go down the other route. I've not seen an nhs gp for over 20 years. mum transferred me out after our family gp refused to take out my tonsils. turns out i was majorly ill and when mum took me to see dads work private gp, he had them out within a week. lets see if times have changed.

my husband does not want to adopt. and id rather have his sperm than someone Else's, and i don't much think that he would be happy with someone Else's sperm and id really really love to be pregnant. just once. hopefully more times. i really want to be a mother. i don't know where we go from here.

hopefully blogging will become easier tho, as i finally, after 2 years of dealing with a broken laptop, have a brand spanking new desktop, and its awesome. and has windows 7 and is ultra fast compared to my laptop. which has seen better days, but i somehow still need to get all my shit off!

I'm off to Nice in France in a couple of weeks with Izzy and Fran. that should be interesting. I'm going to freak out. i don't work well in a 3 as I'm usually the odd one out.
we're self catering and the lady that has the apartment speaks not a word of English.
in a European City. a really really popular European City. how that's possible in this day and age is a mystery. i don't even know how to ask her for towels.
and eating is going to be a challenge. no lactose, no dairy, no gluten, wheat, rye, barley, oats, kiwi, mushrooms, lamb, aubergine... the list is endless...

its also proved pretty impossible to get to southern France. why? well no one flies there, so we three are going to be spending just short of 6 hours in Zurich Aeroport. lets hope its a damn fine airport and i can get some good grub and have some decent shopping!

in other news, despite eating the same, if not healthier, I'm gaining weight and my facial skin is disgusting. I'm covered in nasty acne. the time that makes you not want to look at the persons face. i do not feel attractive right now. and i went swimming with RedRiv and not have magenta hair roots for an inch or so, then orange/light blonde/pale pink for the rest with dirty blonde roots. it was very faded before but... oops?

Summer here has not been summer, its gone right from Spring to Autumn with some epic Winter thrown in every couple of weeks. i mean, really, wtf.

so. my nanna has made it back into hospital again. same thing. the atrium isnt working like it should i think the doctor said. it usually lets the same amount through each time and atm it isnt. so her blood pressure is SHIT and her heart rate, well, scared the shit out of me yesterday. it kept going as low as 94 and as high as 135, and very quickly too, instead of staying a constant stream of whatever is normal.

shes not miffed shes ill, shes not miffed to be on a ward full of old blokes that cant breathe. no.
shes miffed cos they wont let her put her own nightie on and that she cant pick up an outfit for my wedding she has seen on tuesday.

when i logged in on foursquare at the ward it said 'Welcome back! youve not been here since August 2010!' and i had much the same response when i logged into the hospital, tho i was only there not 6 weeks ago when my mum fell over the nubbin that keeps the gates together on their drive. its a good job i only live 5 mins away, im there alot!

apparently i hadnt pissed off the boyf. he thought i was ill and was leaving me alone

its been a busy few days. a stint in a&e with my mum, the boyf's 40th birthday, mums 53rd birthday, 2 trips to mum and dads house (i got to see my dogs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and work and alsorts of everything else!


i have new bedding on my bed and it looks fab and i dont hate it as was possible to. it is a vile horrible quilt cover and i LOVE IT :)

today

i am shattered. last night i couldn't sleep, i stayed up til after midnight so i could drink water til midnight.

i woke at 4.55 and got out of bed at 5.45 because my period had been so horrific it was sending cramp down my legs, i had a shower, packed some (completely unnecessary) stuff together (would have been useful had i needed to stay in hospital)

the boyf drove us there and i was admitted, told i was for first surgery, changed and waited. and waited. and waited. i was taken to theatre at 8.45 and brought back just after 10. it was a 2 min walk to theatre and i was out within another 2. when i came round i was being pinned to the bed, thrashing and screaming and told off for not calming down. (i have anaesthesia reactions) i was finally taken upstairs again. i tried to sleep but they wouldn't leave me be, can we bring her food, can she drink, will you get her to drink, food? water? wee? it went on forever, my BP was very low and they had to lower my head. the boyf dutifully tried to get the water down me but it tasted like hospital. i wee'd 4 times before the nurse came to check if i needed a wee. i have a tiny bladder, what can i do?
they fed me a baked potato and salad, which was actually one of the west baked potatoes ive EVER had. seriously.

all in all it was okay. no hysterics going into surgery like last time, just a few years and i gripped the nurses hand (probably a bit too much)

the hysteroscopy and colposcopy went well apparently and tissue samples have been taken and sent off for testing, he didnt have anything else to do while he was in there, it was all very straightforward and he didnt have to do anything laparoscopic. (yay)

so i slept most of the journey home, and then for 6 hours one i got here. ive eaten and am now about to go to sleep once more, work tomorrow!

the ultrasound was clear and i now need the surgery to find out whats going on inside thats causing so much drama but isnt showing up. the ultrasound didnt show up jack tho- proof is that i have a cyst on an ovary and it couldnt find it- how they get pics of babies from them is beyond me!!!


im now on holiday for an entire week but it will be far from relaxing, i have like, 40 mags to read thru as i havent had time in the past two months to get thru them, i need to clean the house i need to go to brighouse to see emma about my blinds for my house, i need to computer shop, shopping with izzy, id like to see georgi- georgi are you paying attention? i have a ludicrous amount of washing to do due to my lights being off downstairs, but now dad has piggybacked that circuit onto another so all is well lit again! id really like to go to manchester, im going to harass my parents, i want to go to ikea and might be able to take a friend with me also cos i know she needs to go to get some stuff for her kitchen, i need to go thru my attic, ive turned it into a tip. winter and summer clothes need swapping over also.
i need to go to the farm and to see my family at some point!

sigh. no rest for the wicked

so the appointment at the specialists was interesting.

ive had a blood test today, i have to have an ultrasound on Thursday to see if anything abnormal shows up since the MRI i had last January. then in the next few week im having investigative surgery so see whats up in there!

*supposed to be posted on the 17th but my net wouldnt work*


i must be due on my period because ive been a complete psycho today, shouting, screaming, upset, panicking, you name an emotion linked to psycho and that was me today. the boyf asked me 'whats for tea' and got a right earache.

off to see a specialist tomorrow to go about having some important tests done. have been waiting for this appointment for months! i have a feeling this is gonna all end in surgery and childlessness :(

my periods being perfectly mean have brought back the realization that i may never have kids.

what if that operation, the gynae did something that made me infertile, or what ive that pelvic floor infection i had that landed me in hospital rendered me sterile? or what if the boyfs diabetes has somehow made him sterile, or he has slow swimmers from his age? or him being really really hot all the time has killed them all off?
all ive ever wanted it babies. is it too much to ask that i be able to have one? and i want to be a young mum, not some old, set in her ways one, wearing beige with my wrinkles and my kids in disgusting 'old' clothes having no fun.

also no letter from the gynae professor yet. mum asked if id heard anything the other day. and i haven't. they're so slow at these things. i know its unrealistic that i get pregnant with 9 months to go til i get married but i want to get the ball rolling, have all the tests, find out what is so bloody wrong with my internal lady bits that we can get pregnant as soon as the wedding is gone and get on with our family.

none of my cousins have ever had any trouble. my cousins wife came off her contraception and was pregnant within months, without even trying, she told me that herself. ive never asked my others how soon they wanted to try but from an outsiders point of view there never seemed to be any bother.

mum and dad took years to have me. lots of doctors and trying.


surrogacy, IVF and private adoption are all extremely expensive and something we dont, and probably wont ever have the money for. prof o'd is expensive enough and paying hundreds every time i see him is not something i really want, but it is the cheaper option, and it is something i need looking into, and he is very good at his job. apparently.

nanna update

if anything shes worse, on a drip, and managed to pull it out in the night so there was alot of blood. i feel sick thinking about it. anyway shes got into that frame of mind where shes not gonna get out... and if she stays as she is she probably wont...

nanna

tuesday morning my nanna called my aunt around 6am, she had a fluttering in her chest. anne called my mum and nhs direct, who called a paramedic, who in turn called an ambulance, she spent the day and night in the hospital and was discharged the next day as she was once again fine... her heart rate had settled down and i went to see her thursday with a big bouquet and a card, she was happy and her hairdresser turned up so i left.

three oclock this morning (friday), anne and 999 were called, my nanna was rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. she spent 3 hours in huddersfield royal infirmary, then 6 hours at a leeds hospital, where all tests and such were run on her, with the outcome that it wasnt a heart attack, but an angina attack, and she now has to spend a few days in the hospital where they can monitor her heart and try figure out how they can alter or change her medication so she can leave again

tonight the boyf and i went up to see her when i finished work and i took her some puzzle magazines (she is addicted) and we chatted for a bit, she had been ringing me all day requesting plain digestives to have with her tea so we got her some and came home. she is on a ward with people that look like theyre at deaths door and shes all happy and smiley

i can never come up with a title...

firstly, thankyou to day old news
and Felicia for your sweet, supportive and encouraging comments, you made me smile :)

secondly, its 9am and im in the lounge listening to FLorence & The Machine :)

thirdly, :( i spent 3.5 hours in A&E last night, to be told they didnt know what was wrong, i went in due to thinking id cracked a rib and i wanted an x-ray and its the weekend so i didnt want to disturb my GP, as he lives in bradford and i would have had to drive over there... so we went in, it was dead, i got seen within 15 mins, had a angiogram (clear), was left alone for 45 mins in a cubicle while the boy was out in the waiting room alone, then a useless doctor came in to see me, was more intersted in a book he'd bought at Waterstone's (where i work), i had a physical, bloods taken (ew ew ew i have a hole in my arm and i can STILL FEEL IT) was finally sent for an x-ray (was wheeled round in a chair- for health and saftey incase i collapsed apparently- yet had to walk back to the cubicle on my own...), even tho crap doctor was very intersted in the dry skin on my hands, got sent back from the cubical from xray, a nurse realised we'd appeared, was left alone again, the nice nurse that took my bloods came back with medication, made me sign for it, then after i requested, she went to find out why i was being given meds seeing as my bloods and x-rays werent back yet... i was told they were anti-inflamatorys, and i had to take them with food 3 times a day, i looked at the ingredients, they had lactose, in, so i went to the cubicle edge and told the doctor, we had the screen shut after that (i guess you have to stay in the bed) the doctor then told me i had to take them, i was like, er, no, im not being ill for weeks cos of them, he was like, er, well i cant give you anything else cos they all have codeine (itchy) in and i havent the knowledge to think of anything else (well he didnt say that) and he ran off (probably to consult his BNF)...
finally they came to tell us i could leave- at that point i had to ask what was wrong, the doctor said there was nothing broken, and nothing showed up on my x-ray, my heart was fine, my bloods were clear and i could leave and he'd send a nurse to take my tags off (they'd asked me my name and DOB no less than 25 times, so why they gave me a tag im clueless) so when the nurse came back we were like, well he said this, but he never said why i was in pain, do you know? so finally we got that they think ive pulled the muscles at the top of my right rib and my sternum probably from lifting something awkwardly when im packing up books to return to sender at work. and he said i should take ibriprofen and see if it goes away, any problems and i should see my GP.
the pain has not gone, or eased with anti-inflams for the record. pfft, bloody NHS.

right wedding. there is a wedding fayre in town today, and i want to go, but glyn wont come wwith me, i just want... inspiration! i had my heart set on a black of midnight blue dress, but ive tried on slate grey and ive tried on ivory (both gorgeous) ive been reinforced that i look horrid in white and pink and red (my complexion is annoying but theres no way im getting a fake tan, its not me, so why would i want a wedding photo that looks like someone else? i dont know about bouquets (but then what would i do with my hands?) so maybe some baby roses and sparkles...? i know i dont want an overly fussy dress, im supposed to be the attraction, right, not the dress, and they over decorated ones ive tried on looked shite, where the plainer ones were pretty. i got a brochure thru for a wedding venue in the post (im ignoring the ones sending me e-brochures- really, what is the point, i want to look thru, not click next onto another photo), ive already asked my cousin and his wife if their son Arturo can be our ring bearer (hes SO CUTE!), Cerys and BF are to be my mini bridesmaids, but im not having any big bridesmaids so that could all go tits up as i dont think 2 children under 5 can stand all serene infront of a room full of people... i need a wedding planner...