my periods being perfectly mean have brought back the realization that i may never have kids.

what if that operation, the gynae did something that made me infertile, or what ive that pelvic floor infection i had that landed me in hospital rendered me sterile? or what if the boyfs diabetes has somehow made him sterile, or he has slow swimmers from his age? or him being really really hot all the time has killed them all off?
all ive ever wanted it babies. is it too much to ask that i be able to have one? and i want to be a young mum, not some old, set in her ways one, wearing beige with my wrinkles and my kids in disgusting 'old' clothes having no fun.

also no letter from the gynae professor yet. mum asked if id heard anything the other day. and i haven't. they're so slow at these things. i know its unrealistic that i get pregnant with 9 months to go til i get married but i want to get the ball rolling, have all the tests, find out what is so bloody wrong with my internal lady bits that we can get pregnant as soon as the wedding is gone and get on with our family.

none of my cousins have ever had any trouble. my cousins wife came off her contraception and was pregnant within months, without even trying, she told me that herself. ive never asked my others how soon they wanted to try but from an outsiders point of view there never seemed to be any bother.

mum and dad took years to have me. lots of doctors and trying.


surrogacy, IVF and private adoption are all extremely expensive and something we dont, and probably wont ever have the money for. prof o'd is expensive enough and paying hundreds every time i see him is not something i really want, but it is the cheaper option, and it is something i need looking into, and he is very good at his job. apparently.